Confessions of a Perfectionist.
“When perfectionism drives…Shame is always riding shotgun.” -Brene Brown
On a conversation earlier today with my friend, I was expressing some angst about a podcast interview I had done. It’s the same story after each workshop, presentation, interview…I beat myself up and criticize myself relentlessly. My friend Deb, who is a therapist, asked me something brilliant. She challenged me with this question: “What if you did bad?” I might have gasped at the thought initially.
However, I also felt relieved. It was a huge ‘aha moment’. Because, I realized that underneath the pursuit of always doing, being and saying things ‘right’ something deeper was hiding…shame. The shame of being seen…the shame of being seen as less than, not good enough, of being vulnerable.
Brene Brown talks about the difference between excellence and perfectionism in this clip. Striving for excellence is healthy and internally focused while perfectionism is “what will people think.”
So much to unpack here…And I’ll be spending time self-reflecting on this. I get excited when I discover that there’s more learning and layers to peel, especially since I’ve done so much work on myself. It’s good to be in the beginner-mind and exploration, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable and humbling.
What’s the the root cause of perfectionism? Believing your self-worth is based on your achievements. As many fellow perfectionists, I grew up with unrealistic expectations from parents, teachers and peers. I do believe their intention came from seeing my potential and capabilities, yet it was my interpretation and how I created meaning of their message that got mixed up.
Perfectionism is sometimes encouraged in families. Also, parents knowingly or unknowingly establish perfection as the standard. In my house, for example, the expectation was to bring home straight A’s, even though my older sister was a C-average. My dad told me I was going to be the first doctor in the family ( I was 4). My first grade teacher told my mother that I could be the first Swedish female prime minister… you can imagine the pride my immigrant mother felt. Naturally, she told everyone…I was 7at the time. She still tells people that story given the chance.
The enormous amount of pressure I experienced from an early age to live up to this high standard others imposed on me was stressful. I internalized it, and concluded that achievement equaled acceptance, love, approval.
I often experience (or create a story) that people put me on a pedestal (imagined or real) and I worked hard not to disappoint people around me. But, it happens: we all might disappoint people, even the people we love. Making mistakes could mean broken friendships and relationships. To minimize the risk of pain and hurt, I learned to keep people at an arms length and build a wall to protect myself.
The price I have paid for being a perfectionist and ‘how to get over it’ may be topics for future blogs. Right now, I just want to sit with my feelings about the discovery and give myself lots of space and grace. I made a short video of my process. Watch it here.
To Powerful, Positive Change…Cheers.